So this is the point at which I find myself after 24 weeks of masterminding with a group of like minded people from around the world. The Fabulous Davene and her husband Mark… mentors that I am very proud to say I have been studying with have used many tools in these last 7 months to help us learn to become self directed thinkers and working through the wall of goo in creating REAL transformation in our thoughts and behaviors and therefore our results.

Here is my earth shattering realization.

Beware…. I am baring my soul and being very vulnerable in sharing this. Please no judgements (I do that well enough on my own) and no haters, ok?

I have been on and off antidepressants for a long time in my life. Like 20+ years. When I’m on them, life is good. I am happy. People like me and like to be around me. I am pretty easy going. Stay pretty calm and nice.

But when I’m not on them…. yeah, well lets say that’s when I lose my friends. My family doesn’t want to be around me. And, I hate myself. I get very bossy, direct, and demanding.

I have learned through the years in all the self development things I have done that I really can have this be in my control. I can build new beliefs and make new habits of how I respond. For the last 10 years I’ve accomplished this pretty well. No meds needed. Friendships were made. Family liked me again.

Then the Big C happened last year. Yep cancer.

The depression began…. big time. Not only were the chemo drugs playing havoc on my body…. and the mental toll from the “come to Jesus” thoughts of mortality setting in… depression returned.

Antidepressant medication came back into my life and was added to the daily cocktail of drugs my body received.

That was June 2016.

This week, I came to a very personal decision to STOP the antidepressants. Yes… life is good. Friends are back. Family loves me again. And here I go deciding to stop the medication.

Even though the relationships with others and myself are going good, I don’t like being on the drugs. It’s the feeling of dependency I don’t like. It’s the (self imposed belief) that I should be able to be the “Master of my fate, the captain of my soul” and not NEED the drugs. Not to mention I am really DONE with the additional 45 pounds my body added from the drugs… and ready to release THAT TOO.

OK. So Tuesday this past week I woke up and said to myself… “This is the day. I’m done with the drugs. Time to REALLY be in control of my fate and soul.”

This past week has had more downs than ups. My husband is on board to help me through this… yet my family members do not know what is going on. Sometimes I’m sweet, sometimes I’m sour. BUT I am determined to use the skills I have learned and to create new habits to move me into the person I want to be…. the one that really is my soul and not the one that plays out of control and at effect.

One of the tools that Mark and Davene shared with us in another class they teach (Go90Grow) is The ColorCode Personality Test. Now I have done many personality tests through the years… and have gotten various amounts of insight into myself through them, but this one really is different. It is so much more thorough. It helps me to see my strengths and limitations and gives me so many ways to help grow my strengths and helps me to understand how I interact with other personality types.

Along with all the ways we have learned to create change through the mastermind this personality test was the extra secret sauce I am finding to give me the belief that I am making it through this…. I am finally breaking free from the antidepressants and taking control of the me I want to be…. The me I truly am at my best and blissful core. The one who loves myself and others…. and has a balanced, even temperment that allows me to be true to me.

I have come to the learning that all this work…. all this agony over additional time spent on homework, webinars, sitting in silence through my last 24+ weeks of The Master Keys Mastermind Experience with Mark and Davene has been one of the BEST investments in myself.

My list of changes is so long. New habits have been formed…. for the better. I am living my life at a level I have not experienced before…. acceptance, responsibility, and defenselessness are now touchstones to live every day.

Sitting in the silence to gain greater insight and experience the peace between thoughts.

Getting crystal clear on what I want out of life… and what kind of person I want to be instead of living a life that was handed to me through other people’s ideas that I unknowingly accepted as my truths.

I will remain on this path that has been carved as a self directed thinker and invite any others ready to invoke REAL change for themselves to join me.

This IS what I have been waiting for, for 50+ years.

This past March 1-3 I went into 2.5 days of silent meditation.

I stayed at my sister’s north woods home. I was the only one there and was set for the time with groceries.

As luck would have it, the first day it snowed. Not just snow… but blizzard type snow with winds around 50 mph from sunrise and through that night. Even though I dislike the snow and cold, I welcomed it with the anticipation of being alone and dedicated to no technology.

My companions were a couple of books, my journal, and my thoughts.

Here is my 62 hours of silence takeaways:

DO IT

Believe in myself and trust myself

Release self doubt

Monitor my thoughts for the positive only…. always

Remain FOCUSED

 

Ok…. did it really take such a major experiment to have these realizations?

No. AND it was the silence between my thoughts that was the profound experience. When I was able to quiet my mind and stop the ego chatter of the monkey mind that was the golden part of this.

Time disappeared.

I could have stayed there longer.

Precious experience… I will make it a habit at least once a year and for longer than 2.5 days.